After being pleasantly surprised by the third installment in this franchise two nights ago, I was hoping this movie would outperform its IMDB rating of 3.8/10. Unfortunately, the biggest praise I have for it is that Clooney and Schwarzenegger were both tolerable given the context of the awful lines they were delivering.
The sound effects were the first clue that something was going horribly wrong. Most action scenes had sounds you would expect out of a Loony Toons cartoon. The special effects were so comically bad that this would have been better if it was animated as well. The acting is spotty at best – Alicia Silverstone clearly is outside of her comfort zone in a movie that is not Clueless, and Chris O’Donnell sounds whiny and petulant throughout.
However, even if the acting, sound, and visuals were all perfect, there would be no saving this movie. The writing is abysmal. Nothing in the plot makes sense, the dialogue is brutal and the movie is near unwatchable. I’ll discuss more of the story in the spoilers section, but honestly none of it needs to be said. They don’t try and make anything make sense, so complaining about it is pretty pointless.
Spoilers
Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy are DC comic book villains with sidekicks following along to do their bidding for no benefit to themselves, which is standard in this world. Mr. Freeze, as his name implies, has the opportunity to freeze Batman repeatedly but never does so. Poison Ivy, who kills with poison kisses, also has multiple chances to kiss either Batman or Robin, but for some reason waits for them to kiss her. Alright, whatever.
These fight scenes are so stupid that they are unpleasant to watch. In the first scene, Batman and Robin engage the “ice skate” attachment to their boots while playing hockey against Mr. Freeze’s henchmen. Most of the rest of the action sequences stay at about this level. Did they really target this blockbuster at kids under 10?
Everything about Batgirl is the worst. Silverstone’s character talks about how she liked to ride bikes at her prep academy after her parents died, but then her uncle wants her to be a vigilante superhero even though she’s had no training. Then she’s instantly a master at martial arts in high heel boots, a computer genius, knowledgeable about how to use every bat tool, and basically an expert at everything. Batman instantly signs her up to be a teammate, even though he’s known her for maybe a week. There’s no reason this lack of plausibility should bother me in the middle of this dumpster fire, yet it still did.
My Score
IMDB Score
RT Critics
11
RT Audience
16